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    What is the third person effect?
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    п»ї<title>Lack of love and its traps</title>
    [​IMG]
    "To get the love of others, you must first love yourself." We have all heard this phrase hundreds of times. It is, so to speak, one of those great truths that would be impossible to controvert and refute. Loving ourselves is a fundamental condition for loving others.
    Now, whether we believe it or not, there is a problem with this commandment. It is not as simple as making the decision: "Perfect. From now on I will love myself. And from tomorrow, let others love me." Having a good relationship with yourself can be a matter that often escapes our will, it has nuances and nooks and crannies that we cannot illuminate from one day to the next.
    On the other hand, something we all undoubtedly understand is that the lack of self-love brings consequences. Especially in the area of the couple, which is where our most intimate conflicts arise. It is there where we tend to feel more vulnerable and more disoriented.
    Thus, renowned psychologists such as Carl Rogers, pointed out that the main problem we people have is precisely the fact that we do not love ourselves as we deserve. Our unfinished business therefore requires that we invest in better emotional and psychological skills.
    Romantic fantasiesIf the nuts and bolts of self-esteem are not properly tightened, you probably tend to be infatuated. Apparently, Cupid takes it out on you. He shoots his arrow with any stranger you see around. "Love at first sight" you say, when you feel your heart pounding at the sight of that stranger who steals your attention.
    The charm emanating from that unknown person is probably for you like a promise. The omen of a bliss hitherto unknown to you. That feeling can be very strong and yet false. Maybe there is genuine attraction. But as long as you do not cross the border that separates the fantasy from the real encounter with the other person, it is nothing more than an illusion.
    If it happens to you frequently, do not doubt it: what is at the bottom is an issue to be solved with yourself, not with Cupid. Your attitude speaks of a lack. It is so strong that at a certain point you lose the sense of proportions and you are content to fill that emptiness even if it is with a lie.
    This type of fantasies are often present in those who already have a history of failed loves. "Dog loves", those that leave scars and scars in the soul and not infrequently also in the body. Loves, or supposed loves, that bring to your life many more bitter moments than moments of fulfillment.
    The mark of difficult lovesConflict is the basis of the relationship in many couples. Hurting the other acquires such a strong intensity that it often becomes a substitute for intimacy.
    Aggressions are assumed as an opportunity to let the most visceral emotions come to the surface. A kind of catharsis at the expense of the other. A certain amount of pleasure is experienced, but accompanied by tons of pain.
    These types of relationships are the most difficult to end, precisely because they are built on a lack of affection. To end these bonds is to fall into the abyss of loneliness that the relationship conceals. "Worse is nothing," you say to yourself.
    That is precisely the point: nothingness. The lack. That place that remained empty forever, perhaps due to affective needs that were not satisfied during childhood.
    That's why you may feel that the emptiness, the absence, that "nothingness", is an intolerable feeling. What you don't realize is that it is precisely what is lacking behind all those fights, those annoyances, those scenes of shouting and complaining.
    If you find a partner willing to share with you that little daily tragedy, surely you have hooked up together precisely because you have a similar problem. That person, too, is desperately looking for bonds that will help him or her evade his or her shortcomings. To postpone the task of reconciling with himself, with his history.
    We all deserve a healthy loveThe problem is that if you let yourself be seduced by these siren songs you will be giving up the possibility of building a real love. The kind that makes you feel worthwhile. The kind of relationship that gives you security instead of stealing it. That bond that is built on mutual acceptance, willingness to understand and respect.
    You better decide once and for all to be good to yourself. May you learn to recognize those traps with which you yourself make your progress impossible. Remember that life is a blink of an eye. It is not worth dedicating it to fantasies or torments that, as you know deep down, will only leave you with nostalgia for the useless time you invested in them.
    Self-esteem as a nutrient for happy relationshipsFrom evolutionary psychology, authors such as Christopher Bale and John Archer University of Huddersfield conducted a study where they demonstrate an aspect that should invite us to a deep reflection.
    It is considered that self-esteem is an essential psychological value in our evolution as human beings. Only when a person feels good about himself, values himself and perceives himself as someone worthy of love, respect, attention and happiness, he is able to create stronger and happier bonds.
    Therefore, self-love and self-esteem are nutrients in our relationships. Cultivating them and working on them daily will allow us to enjoy that authentic love, the one that does not hurt and enriches us.
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